When the heart aches and the soul breathes

I looked at her hands and pictured a wedding band gracing her little fingers. So many years down the road, but in that instant it felt like tomorrow. I let the tears fall as I realized in a blink she will be a grown woman. The baby kisses will be replaced by hugs from a woman with a mind and spirit all her own, both of which have been part of her since the day she entered this world.

And, the truth is...it hurt. I don’t want time to go by yet I couldn’t bear it to stand still. She deserves the same gifts of growing, learning and becoming that we are all granted. I want her to live life to the absolute fullest. Yet, in the same breath I want to hold her tightly for the rest of my days. Oh Lord, you never told me how brave Mothers have to be.

The aching joy will never cease, will it? There is great endurance required in a love of this magnitude. As a runner completes a race, after much training and focus, I am reminded that this love is worth all the growing pains involved. It hurts because it's worthy. Some days are long, but they are all worth every ounce of love I give, every prayer I say, and every smile I feel. Love and joy layered with God's consistent Truth and given space to breathe...to sink in. This is the life I desire for me, and for my family.

Holding on and letting go. Again and again. It’s the balance that rips my heart into a million beautiful pieces. I wouldn’t trade this job for anything. This mothering creates a pure, raw love that I have no doubt is from the hand of God himself. But it hurts deeply to see time pass so quickly before your eyes. I watch her gain independence, cheering her on while inside begging time to at least slow down. Just give me time to catch my breath.

It doesn’t. So instead of fighting time, I thank God. Over and over I whisper the thanks of a mother’s heart. I breathe in and breathe out, savoring the moments the best I can. I open my eyes, put down my list and watch her live. It’s the only way I can truly give thanks for this little gift. May God never doubt my gratefulness for His grace and these blessings.

I cannot say what each day will hold. So many changes, some welcome and others beyond understanding. The myriad of emotions that I feel deep down, often all at the same time, leads me to my knees with an aching yet grateful heart. At the end of the day I am left with a God who hears, a husband who loves and a beautiful daughter who has captured the essence of a life well lived. But why is the good going so fast? It's getting harder and better at the same time. I watch her dance around the living room floor with that sweet smile and it’s all I can do not to smother her with kisses.

Instead, I sit back, let her breathe and watch her grow. I sneak in kisses and words of affection as she moves those little feet all over her "dance floor." With a beautifully aching heart, and a joyful smile of my own, I know she will always be held dearly in the arms of God…even when she is too big to be in mine.

May the Lord lead your hearts into a full understanding and expression of the love of God and the patient endurance that comes from Christ.

2 Thessalonians 3:5 (NLT)

xo, Rachel